


catch your breath and keep walking

by ephemeraline



Category: Produce 101 (TV), UP10TION, X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, It ends positively, Minhee-centric, Self-Esteem Issues, idk it's not really long enough to have a happy ending but like, minhee is a sweetheart, mnet is disgusting, most are mentioned for like a split second, or not even, pls dont be mad idk how i should tag them, wooseok is a good hyung
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-15 00:21:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21024662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ephemeraline/pseuds/ephemeraline
Summary: Comfort is reserved only for the worthy who feel unworthy, and Minhee is not one of them.He straight up doesn’t belong here.





	catch your breath and keep walking

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!! This is my first fic ever agH so please be gentle:) 
> 
> Honestly, I haven't actually watched pdx101 but lol I think I know enough about it that I might as well have basically watched most of it? I'm really new to the fandom so maybe not (please let me know if i get any events or whatever wrong!), but I absolutely adore all the members and I just?? want them all to be happy??? gAH im so excited
> 
> I'm not the best at writing, and I'm really sorry if it ends up too all over the place - I just wanted to write something for Minhee because he's so precious and I fell in love with his voice the moment I heard it
> 
> If anyone ends up reading, please let me know if you liked it and any constructive feedback!! thank you :))

Blond is a good look on him. 

The stage outfits, no doubt, are a good look on him too. The fans fawn over his smile. In fact, he’s quite charming, if he may say so himself. 

But it doesn’t stave off the fact that he shouldn’t be here. 

For all his bravado and easy going confidence, Minhee can’t seem to fully immerse himself in his role, but it’s enough to convince him he’d do well as an actor. Of course, he’s worried about Eunsang, just the same as he’s worried about the mental health of one too many of the rest of his brothers. 

(Brothers. He wonders if they question his place among them. Is he as important to them as they are to him?)

He just wishes they’d pay attention to him too, but that would be asking for too much, would it not? His popularity is overrated, boosted for a main vocal role that wasn't even his in the first place. 

He still finds comfort in the fact that people still appreciate him. He’s beyond good looking, isn’t he? And losing a shoe on stage is cute. The brief entertainment of seeing him fumble is distraction enough from the fact that he sorely lacks lines — but then again, he should be grateful. He shouldn’t have lines in the first place, and realistically, he isn’t even often the one with the least parts. He’s seen the comments, and from what he can gather, one its were only even more endeared by his fancam. They called his little embarrassed smile adorable. 

But to be the first announced member of X1, the first to climb up the overdramatically sparkly stage set to the tenth seat, and then witnessing talented trainee after talented trainee racing up to join him, allowed self doubt to carefully latch itself onto him. Eunsang and him are only one place apart, albeit also by the differences between the finale voting and the X position’s cumulative votes, yet Minhee was the first to <strike>undeservingly</strike> excitedly walk the distance between elimination and debut, while his friend barely managed to stagger to the mic, void of his famous knack for facial expressions. Minhee wishes Eunsang wouldn’t get so much hate. It’s not like it’s his fault Lee Jinhyuk didn’t debut. Or Minkyu, or Yuvin, or Yunseong, or basically every single trainee on that damned stage that didn’t get their named called. 

“Stay away from social media for the time being. All you have to know is that the lineup will not be changing,” one of the managers drones on, looking around the room sympathetically. None of them are really paying attention, save for probably Seungwoo, nodding along grimly. They’re all stressed, he understands, but it’s obvious that most of them would have made the lineup regardless of the ranking manipulation. Most of them. Just… not two or three of them. 

And Minhee feels the dread pool in his stomach, knows its been there since all eleven of them stood up together to bow to the camera for the first time, and decides he’s too tired to confront or deny it. Acceptance tastes acrid in his mouth but he swallows it down without hesitation, attempting to look unbothered. He refuses to make eye contact with Seungyoun, who’s sharper than he lets on behind his comedic mask. Comfort is reserved only for the worthy who feel unworthy, and Minhee is not one of them. 

He straight up doesn’t belong here. 

That feeling of gratefulness and accomplishment is hazy in his mind now. The tears of joy, the elation, the proud smile holding back the urge to just yell out an _I’ve made it!_ feel misplaced. Maybe it would’ve been more appropriate to get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness instead. No matter how hard he tries, he can’t find any faults in the people sitting around him in the meeting room. It’s not difficult at all to tell that they deserve their debut. 

He’s seen those comments, too, and Minhee can’t count the number of times he’s seen his own name written in the middle of a hateful rant about _fairness_ and _setting things right_. It hurts the most when some nobody types out with full certainty that, had Mnet been unbiased, he wouldn’t have made the cut, and the group would be infinitely better with someone else in his place. 

Hangyul ruffles his hair, breaking him out of his reverie, and looks up, “This is ridiculous. What’s the point in stirring up all this drama? Look at what it’s doing to us. Of course none of us are leaving, so this is only going to make people hate us even more—” 

And Minhee is already halfway out the door by that point, having quietly excused himself while everyone continues staring at the articles projected on the screen. 

“Hey.” 

Or, at least, almost everyone. 

Minhee wasn’t actually going to the washroom like he’d said, instead planning on wandering the halls before they could all pile into the vans and head to practice, but now it sounds like the best plan of escape to avoid talking about feelings. 

There’s a hand on his shoulder now, and he doesn’t have to turn to know who it is. 

“Are you okay?” 

He quirks up one corner of his lips, raising his eyebrows just the slightest bit to look confused. He doesn’t miss a beat, saying, “Yeah? I’m just heading to the washroom, Wooseok-hyung,” because Minhee is a good liar. Or maybe it’s just easy to lie to people when you actually have no hidden desire for them to see through you. 

So maybe he really does want a hug or something, because Wooseok shakes his head, not buying it. But selfishness isn’t a good feeling and Minhee definitely feels like he’s taking advantage of the goodwill of his hyungs, and he’s almost tempted to stage a scoff, saying something like _are you implying that I **should** be feeling imposter syndrome right now?_ just to stop him from prodding further and making Minhee cry, but that would make him sound like an overconfident asshole. He’s not even mildly confident in himself, anyway. 

Instead, he settles for his own head shake and begins to convince Wooseok to turn around and head back to the meeting, but he stays put. 

“You don’t have to be okay. I know this is hard, but you have to keep telling yourself that you deserve this just as much as everyone else does. We’ve all worked hard for this.”

He doesn’t understand. Wooseok, without a doubt, earned his place. 

“And the same,” Minhee realizes belatedly that he’d spoken aloud, “can’t be said for you?”

His hyung moves to wrap his arms around him, and he finally allows himself to cling. Once he starts talking, he finds he can’t really stop.

“At least Eunsang is basically a lead dancer and actually knows how to sing, despite how much national producers brushed aside his talents. He has a nice voice. Junho is one of the most stable performers, and his facial expressions have improved so much. Hyeongjun is more than just a cute face, but I think everyone knows that at this point. Dongpyo is basically a little Daehwi-sunbaenim, in some way, I guess. People are just mean. He was popular for a reason. I don’t even think anyone really has much to say about anyone else,” he takes a deep breath, “but I have no underrated talent. I’m just me.” 

He feels ashamed for how obviously incompetent he is, and the whiny rant he vomited out. He isn’t even the one who placed eleventh. It shouldn’t seem so much like he didn’t belong. But maybe if he was just a little higher up, maybe he’d feel a bit more secure. 

In an attempt to look less pathetic, he musters up defiance he doesn’t really have, moving back to look at Wooseok, readying himself to speak again before he can. Afterall, he’s lost the little sleep he’s been afforded in the midst of the bustle of debut preparations, and he knows the logical response Wooseok, or any one of his hyungs really, would preach after hearing his whole spiel: 

_The voting no longer matters, you’re here now, and you’ll do well, just as all the other eliminated contestants that night would have as well if they were here. All that’s left is for you to put your all into this, because this is what you signed up for, this is what you wanted. This is how you’ll prove them wrong._

He knows their hearts would ache for him, and it’s exactly what he’d say to anyone else as well. He’s given himself the pep talk every single night he couldn’t bring himself to snag for himself the reassurement of his hyungs that he believed should be allocated to the rest of the younger members. Every night he wouldn’t rest when he could be practicing again, when debut felt like he was still stuck in a survival show. It worked for a while, and still does, really. But he’s allowed to be down sometimes too, right? He supposes hearing it from someone else makes it more convincing. 

“But I’m going to prove them wrong. I’m going to make sure they won’t doubt me again.” His conviction feels empty this time around. Seeing the comments really messed with him. 

Wooseok looks up at him, and despite the height difference, he appears wiser and stronger in this moment. 

“I’m proud of you. Of course I’m proud. We all believe in you. But you’re not just going to pour all of yourself into this just to prove them wrong. Prove yourself wrong before anyone else.”

He thinks back to dropping onto the ground and wanting to just wail and have someone comfort him because _I can’t do it, I can’t do this, I don’t deserve to be here._

“You need to believe in yourself first. You’re no different from any of the members. You have the talent. You have the work ethic. This is how you’ll resolve that misplaced guilt you feel towards the other trainees who didn’t make it. It’s how you’ll find peace with yourself.” 

And Minhee can finally breathe. 

He wonders if this was Wooseok’s way of dealing with his scandal, trying to get back up and succeed as an idol, in spite of everyone waiting for him to crumble. He wonders if telling people this now is how he deals with Jinhyuk’s elimination. Regardless, he settles into the wave of gratitude that hits him and allows himself a break, just for a few minutes, before the newfound resolve washes over him. 

When the meeting room empties out and they all head back to dance and vocal practice once again, Minhee steels himself for the inevitable self dissatisfaction, and urges himself to push through it. He repeats in his head what’s finally starting to sound true. 

_I can do it, I can do this, I deserve to be here._

**Author's Note:**

> :) I hope you have a wonderful day!
> 
> title is from X1's I'm Here For You.. you know., part of that line Eunsang sings in the middle bsjkfbsgjbaslga it's my favourite part so beautiful his voice is angelic i adore him so much can you tell who my bias is bkgjdsblgkabsrgjbaslg


End file.
